"Singleness." Just the word can bring shudders and dread to a person’s heart--especially if she is unmarried. We live in a society that doesn’t like singleness. It’s not a subject most people enjoy talking about. So, to remedy this, we have books, shows, teachers––you name it––that instruct us on how to survive this time of sheer torment until we finally find the right person. Even in Christian circles, the thoughts go something like this:

1. “You need to be content where you are because you won’t be content in marriage otherwise.”
   
2. “You need to learn to love God, because you can’t love your spouse as you should if you don’t. ”
   
3. “You need to work on your character if you want to marry someone with character.”
   
4. “Your single years are a time for you to love and serve God so you’re ready to love and serve in marriage.”

Now, before I go any further, please understand something: I am not saying those thoughts are not true. I am not saying we shouldn’t do them. However, while they certainly have much merit, I think there is an underlying philosophy that is slightly skewed. Notice how in every one of them the idea is that in doing these things (such as learning to love God and others, learning to cultivate character and contentment, etc.) we are just trying to pass the time until marriage, or that if we do them it’s a guarantee that God will hand over the guy. Yes, those things are necessary for marriage preparation. But should our focus really be to do them so that we will marry more quickly?

When we look at Scripture, the emphasis is on loving God because of what He has done for us or what He has promised to do for us--not so He will do something for us.

Did you catch that? “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Our seeking to know Him should be because we need Him and desire to serve Him, not just so He’ll give us marriage. When we love Him because He first loved us, our status of single or married does not affect that love. We won’t stop loving Him once we’re married, because we weren’t loving Him to get married in the first place. Seeking Him so He’ll give us what we want is manipulation. God is not fooled. He knows our hearts; He sees what’s really there.

I can hear questions:

“Are you saying we shouldn’t prepare for marriage?”
“Are you saying we shouldn’t learn to become the wives God wants to be?”

No, I’m not saying that. What I am saying is that we should never take the attitude of getting to know Christ just to hurry up our marrying. We learn contentment because God is all we need and has promised to provide for us. Our contentment must be complete abandonment to our Lord and Savior. Anything less is not contentment.

We should never seek to grow in character just to match the person we marry. We allow Christ to grow His character in us, because we desire to be like Him. Do you see the difference? We don’t become God’s child when we marry. We are His children because He is our Savior. Marriage is not an ending; it’s another lane in the race God has called us to run. If we grow in Christ just so we can marry, will we stop growing in Him once we marry?

When we focus on doing these things for the right reasons, we do often become more suitable for marriage. But whether or not we marry, we will move forward in our Christian growth, because our focus is where it should be.


Windflowers by Waterhouse

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