I grew up in a large family with numerous cousins living nearby.  My siblings and I being the eldest kids were provided ample opportunities for tending to little ones. So, at nine or ten I had cute babies to carry about and play with. At age eleven my mother gave birth to an eighth sibling, and then again at thirteen I received one final one, a little sister!

Mothering seemed to me as the natural outflow, the expected goal and aspiration of young ladies. To be married with a home and children to care for was the primary purpose for my life, and the only ambition I felt worthy of my hope. So to find myself unmarried through my twenties, and then married and childless in my thirties, I became embittered with many questions for my Lord.

How could He withhold something as natural and God-ordained as motherhood? But taking an honest look at my particular walk with Christ, I can say I knew early on that I would be barren.  At age 23 I believe He’d told me so, but that He would bless me with children in other ways during my lifetime, using me in their lives.  But that was me.

How strange.  How odd to be given a glimpse of a hardship that I would be called to bear.  God gives a word such as this?  Older Christians would tell me it could not be Him, for the Lord only “blesses” us. So in light of this “blessing” attribute of God, I began to question if blessings were only those things that would delight me in my earthly sphere, limited to my human wishes.  But accepting the idea that blessings may come in other ways was not easy.

Feeling utterly rejected and condemned for my sins, unloved and unchosen – or chosen to suffer in such a way as hard as being childless – a rage grew within me--a  boiling up that eventually took my health as well. I began to be jealous of other women who had it all!  Proverbs 14:30 says, “ A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.”  My heart was no longer sound in purity toward God, nor was it free of envy and want.  

It was at age 36 while taking a morning walk in the neighborhood school yard that I met the mirror of heaven, so to speak.  The Lord’s words were within my mind, very distinct and clear:  “What are you angry about?” I stopped walking, out of breath from anger, and I broke down crying.  I put my fist up toward heaven and said, “You knew!  You could have changed all the rotten things, but You didn’t!  You chose to withhold from me all I desired!”

And Jesus said to me, “Now we can talk.”  Just like that.  He knew my heart – but I needed to know it.   I needed to see the magnitude of my own pain, my accusations against God Almighty, and my rage against His will.  And He let me know that He can handle it!  It wasn’t news to Him.  After a bit I was at peace and in full compliance.  That is what knowing Jesus is all about.  Like in marriage, we are to disclose ourselves to one another in the goal of having a deep need met by the power of forgiveness, understanding, and wholesome love.

What does a woman look for to serve the Lord without children? Where is her fulfillment?  I wish I could give an answer that would satisfy; or wave peace across the heart of my younger sisters in Christ.  But I know it is only through Father-daughter interaction that true peace and HOPE is found.  Even at 50, when babies are in no way possible, there yet remain the tears over the imaginary baby carriage and the tiny grip of an infant’s hand around my finger. But these sad and gloomy thoughts, too, must be brought to submission and surrender.

The natural and beautiful desires that are left wanting, all thoughts of such must fall under being taken captive to the obedience of Jesus Christ  ( 2Corinthians 10:5). Our desires are not excluded from being used against us in warfare.  And even in the uplifting and promising help found in Philippians 4:8, we must capture our runaway thoughts in our best interest, calling upon the "whatsoever things" are true. It is easy to slip in there "positive thinking," but that is a snare and a misrepresentation of faith.

And even sorrow and suffering can become an idol. Yes, it is true. The very things that God uses to refine and purify us may become images of "our accomplishments" and "what we’ve had to endure."  We must be careful to place everything under the Lordship of Christ Jesus, or anything can be a subtle snare to our hearts.  Our longings and desires must all be placed at the Cross -- and carried as our cross to bear.  This is a hard saying; but true and freeing, dear one.

The rich young ruler could have been a lovely young housewife who is faithful in all ways – yet holding on to this one thing:   “I WANT!...”   I know this pain.  I’ve lived it a very long time.  Just as riches are not evil in themselves, so mothering is not evil.  But the demand of fulfillment to come only via our own heart’s desire is evil, for it places our will above the will of our Father in heaven.  

So, why would God require the loss of fulfillment -- a fulfillment that HE ordained?  Why require it of a woman and her husband? Again, no human answer can satisfy.  But I am one who has been blessed by many children who cling to me without apparent reason, except perhaps the love God has placed within me to be a feeling, empathetic woman. I also serve with my husband in his evangelistic calling.  I also am given words of wisdom to help those sisters who are suffering as I have suffered.  These are gifts from our Lord.

We are all on a journey of life.  Some of us are required to suffer divinely appointed losses for His sake.  I think that God, somewhere in His galactic power, looks for some who will be like little capsules of  “ whatever Thou wills.”  There was a time--actually times--when I cried to Jesus to give Him my all – no matter and whatever… such a heart desire is His delight.  And He will try the depths of that heart, only to show Himself as all-in-all Complete.

Does the rose get to choose to have many roses around it touching and enjoying each other? Does the rose get to choose when it is watered or fed?  Does the rose have a choice in seeking shelter from wind and rain?  Can it stop the aphid?  Does the rose choose to have a butterfly or bee light upon it?  Does the rose get to choose if it be cut and put into a beautiful vase for viewing, or be left to die on the branch naturally?  How about the direction of the sun or shade?  

Of course not.  What if God were to ask you to just be a sweet fragrant aroma of HIM like the rose; would you be willing? Can you just be like the rose whose face is uplifted to Jesus, and allow His light to shine upon you, and permit Him to choose how you are used and how many will be permitted to enjoy your fragrance?

Be like the handmaiden of the Lord, and say, “Yes Father.  Be it unto me according to Thy will.  If all else be forsaken, I will yet praise Thee.”  His ways are above our ways, His thoughts above our thoughts.  Blessed be the Father of us all.  If you’d like to correspond about these tender hurts and sorrows, I am here.   You can email me: lighthousebo@sbcglobal.net