Many women who marry will enjoy the blessed treasure of bearing children. Children are a heritage of the Lord and are certainly a tremendous blessing. In our churches and neighborhoods, however, there is a segment of married women who have not been given the gift of children. I find myself in this group. I find barrenness to be the cup and portion the Lord has given me.

Barrenness conveys the idea of an empty and desolate wasteland. I would like to share a different picture of barrenness, one where the Lord has made a garden where there was once only weeds. My story begins with a strong desire to be a mother. I always wanted to be a mommy. When I got married, there was no question my husband and I wanted a family. After years of hoping and trying, we were informed of a medical condition that would make bearing children nearly impossible. My hopes were dashed as I drove home from the doctor's office, tears streaming down my face like torrential rain.

I was so very angry and distraught. I could not possibly understand why God would not allow me to conceive, at least without major medical intervention. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, homeschool and bring up my child to glorify the Lord. But regardless of the arguments I presented to the Lord, His answer seemed to remain the same: trust Him and don't ask why.

I went through a severe grieving time, as many of my friends were giving birth to their first child and some their third or forth. I found myself drawn to bitterness at times. I distanced myself from the pain with other distractions. My husband seemed distant also, and we had a lot of quietness between us. I found being around children and attending baby showers to be unbearable. I had to stay away. Then I had a breakthrough. It came slowly and quietly, not suddenly. I began slowly to see that God wanted me to first understand that I was His Child before desiring a child of my own. God was using infertility to bring me into a deeper understanding of rejoicing in Him alone, instead of just desiring the good things that He can give.

I had wanted a baby more than I had wanted God. At other times in my life I had been able to manipulate my circumstances to get what I wanted apart from God's will, but I could not manipulate this. The Lord made it very clear to my husband, then confirmed it to me, that we were not to seek medical intervention. Though disappointed, I began to realize that the brick wall of barrenness could also include a gate to a fruitful and happy life. Now at age 37, I have been happily married for 15 years and am still enjoying being a keeper at home. Above all, I enjoy being my husband's helpmeet and life partner.

I love being a keeper at home and pursuing all the wonderful aspects of making a home. I find myself busy daily with baking/cooking, canning/perserving, gardening, decorating, crafts, Bible Study, writing and domestic duties. I also fill my time with ministering to widows through fellowship and ministering to busy mothers by lending a helping hand. I do not feel that my life is lacking because I do not have biological children. Many women in my life, even Christian women, tried to convince me that it would be fine to pursue a full-time career since I would not be raising children. I also found that many attempted to make me feel guilty for "just being a housewife," saying that I was squandering my talents and time by just staying home.

My understanding of the Scriptures teaches me to be a keeper at home and I love my calling. I think it is a mistake to make single women and childless women feel that they must replace what they are "missing" with notions of careerism or materialism. We are to be fruitful as keepers at home, but I believe we can be fruitful outside the home in ways that glorify God and are obedient to His Word (see Luke 21:2-4, Acts 9:36-41 & 16:14-15, Romans 16:1-2, for starters). I would encourage other ladies experiencing infertility to use your grief and barrenness as a gateway to deeper service unto God and others. Sometimes we live a lifetime with unfulfilled desires. This burden can either make us bitter or better.

God gave me a verse in the midst of my pain that I hope will bless others. Habakkuk 3:17-19: "Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock may be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, Yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills."


The Gleaner by William Bouguereau

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