Practical Ideas for Supporting your Husband’s Vision
Posted By Luci on June 10, 2010
One of the delights of Biblical womanhood is the joyful challenge of adopting and implementing one’s husband’s vision. Scripture gives us beautiful pictures of busy wives using their talents for the glory of God and in fulfillment of their husbands’ goals. The woman of Proverbs 31 may be the best-known example. A strong, intelligent woman of God, she was active in her community, charity work, and business on behalf of her family’s interests. Her works brought honor and respect to her husband (Proverbs 31:23.) Scripture makes clear that she was creative and thoughtful in seeking to carry out her husband’s goals.
Recently, I’ve had several conversations with friends who have wondered how to live out God’s principles for marriage. They know His standard is for a wife to submit to her husband and for the husband to be the head of the household (Ephesians 5:22-23), but they don’t know what this means in practice. These women don’t want to force their husbands into a “mold” or pester them to meet certain ideals; they genuinely want their husbands to lead, but don’t know how to encourage them to do so in a Biblical manner. Meanwhile, our culture denigrates male leadership and all things traditionally masculine. Society glamorizes the new ideal of an extended post-college period without any responsibilities for men in their twenties – and even into their early thirties.
How can a wife encourage her husband’s leadership and vision in the face of such social pressures? The following suggestions are ideas that have been helpful for me as a new wife:
1. Discover your husband’s goals. It may help to set aside time for a conversation where you can discuss these topics in-depth. Ask him where he would like to see your family in one, five, or ten years. What are his long- and short-term priorities for his job, for your marriage, and for your walk with the Lord? Does he like the area in which you live? Does he like the company for which he works? If not, where would he prefer to work?
A tip: If you have children or have particularly hectic schedules, and aren’t in the mood for serious conversations in the morning or late at night, try e-mailing during the day! My husband and I have had several fruitful discussions about weighty topics via e-mail. Doing so allows us to think through our responses and mull over ideas.
2. Ask him what you can do to help achieve his ambitions. What can you do to assist in carrying out his vision for your family? You might make a list of your talents and compare them to a list of his concerns to see how your skills might aid his tasks. Discuss what you see as important for home and family life, and consider how your priorities mesh with your husband’s goals.
Think small: What can you do on a daily or weekly basis? Does he work better if you make extra portions for dinner so he has enough for lunch the next day? What are his favorite meals? What could you cook from scratch that you currently buy at a store? How can you budget for household expenses to meet his financial goals? Ask if there might be anything you can sell on eBay or Craigslist to earn some extra money.
Brainstorm ideas for making your home a place of peace and solace. De-clutter corners and closets. Re-organize a bookshelf or two. It’s amazing how little decorating tasks really brighten up a room!
Think big: What can you do over a period of six months or a year? Are there new skills you could develop that would aid in lowering household expenses? (For example, you could learn to make natural household cleaners or learn to sew curtains and home accessories.) Are there church ministries in which your family could be involved that would support your husband’s spiritual goals?
3. Determine a convenient time to go over what you’ve discussed and review what both of you have accomplished. Such an occasion could be anywhere from two weeks to a year later. If possible, try to make it a fun date! Go somewhere, or stay in – take time to enjoy your husband.
4. Take initiative! Make a conscious effort every day to do something in support of your husband’s vision. Be creative in thinking of ways to help meet his goals. If he’s not satisfied at his job, you might be able to help in searching job postings online or in the local newspaper. If he wants to stick to a household budget, try using budgeting software online to record expenses. And, most importantly, pray for your husband.
5. Praise your husband for being a man of vision. Men crave respect. Husbands need to know that their wives admire them! Compliment your husband for his integrity or for his steadfast devotion to the Lord. Tell him what you admire about his talents and goals. Be specific! Prepare surprise treats when there’s no special occasion. Write him a little note to say you’re proud of him and so happy to be his wife, and put it in his briefcase or wallet so he’ll see it after he leaves home. Be his biggest cheerleader! Rejoice in your husband’s commitment to his family!
Does supporting your husband’s vision mean you should abandon your talents and interests? Absolutely not! One of the wonderful challenges of being a wife is building on one’s existing skills in new, creative ways. Keep in mind that your assistance and gentle encouragement are invaluable to your husband. Supporting one’s husband’s vision is just one of the many joys of becoming “one flesh” in marriage.
“A true marriage means the ultimate bringing of two lives into such perfect oneness that there shall not be a discord in the blended music. “They twain shall be one.” To attain this each must give up much. Neither can move on independently of the other, without thought or without self-forgetfulness. The relation is not that of master and slave, but that of love. There must be on the part of both, self-repression, self-renunciation. The aim of each must be – what always is true love’s aim – to serve the other, the deeper love to serve the more deeply. Only in perfect love which is utterly self-forgetful, can there be perfect blending of lives.”
J. R. Miller, The Every Day of Life (New York: Thomas Crowell, 1892), 80-81.
About The Author
Luci
Luci is a joyful wife, homemaker, Christian, and friend. She loves history, law, philosophy, prayer, peace, quilting, old books, reading, all things vintage, and her and her husband's three precious rescue cats.Comments
10 Responses to “Practical Ideas for Supporting your Husband’s Vision”
Leave a Reply
Please note: Comment moderation is currently enabled so there will be a delay between when you post your comment and when it shows up. Patience is a virtue; there is no need to re-submit your comment.
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Luci,
This post was simply a joy to read, as well as very practical. Some of the things that you mentioned on the list I have tired, while others I have not given much thought to trying.
As a relatively new full-time homemaker, I’m often struggling with issues regarding supporting my husband’s vision in the home without trying to be forceful, demanding, or nagging (all of which are very bad traits for a wife to pursue within a marriage relationship). As a result, new tips on helping promote the husband’s vision in the home are always a welcomed treat for me.
Thank you for sharing your list of suggestions with the rest of us. I believe your helpful tips will be beneficial for many wives who strive to support their husbands as leaders and providers in the home.
~Mrs. Lady Sofia~
Mrs. Lady Sofia,
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I’m so glad that it was helpful! Many of these ideas came from “trial and error.” 
I’m so grateful for my incredibly patient husband!
I’m sure the other ladies at LAF have many more suggestions ~ I’m hoping that this little piece will spark conversation about what we can do to support our husbands as men of integrity and vision!
Blessings,
Luci
Excellent post! Asking your husband at every turn what he thinks about certain things and where he sees gaps in the family that need to be closed empowers him to make leadership choices.
I also recently received a family vision statement that goes on your refrigerator from a company called EngageFamily.com I think having the family’s goals posted where we can easily seem them keeps us focused.
Thanks for sharing your wonderful ideas!
Lovely thoughts! I especially liked your idea about doing something every day to support my husband’s vision. That would really be a good challenge to find the little practical things I could do to encourage and support the direction he’s taking our family.
Mrs. McLeod,
What a practical and well-written post. I have been home full-time for less than a year now. At first I felt very lost. After 20+ years as an administrative and executive assistant, it was difficult to feel unmoored and without a routine to help organize my days. I revisited my Home Management Binder, which I’d kept for years, and adapted it to my new timeframes and opportunities. Still, I felt adrift at times and our working together on shared projects just didn’t seem to be happening as we had hoped.
We finally sat down and created our own family mission statement. This has helped guide our choices and decisions. We also began having weekly “meetings”. My husband is on a schedule where he works three very long days. On the morning of his first day off, following breakfast, we place our framed mission statement on the table and get out our ongoing to-do lists and calendars. We go over these together. Mine is full of household tasks and projects – cooking, sewing, card/letter writing, cleaning, laundry, gardening, service to others. His is usually a comprehensive list of things that are larger in scope. We are presently readying our home for sale. So the list is pretty intimidating at times. He sees what I feel is important for the week. I see what he has placed priorities on. I am able to see where I may be able to help or even take some of the tasks from his list. He sees the kind of time I will need for homemaking. Then we come up with a plan for our week.
I can’t tell you how helpful this has been to me in providing some sense of structure and priority to my days. And he sees that I am there to support his greater vision for our lives and work alongside him in those endeavors. Where he used to feel stressed about all the things that need done, now he can relax in knowing that we have gauged our activities according to the mission statement, prioritized and organized them, and have a plan of attack. We have accomplished more in the last six months than we ever thought possible.
Also being aware of how helpful it is to let our husband know how much we appreciate and respect him, I try to find many ways to build him up. One of the ways I do this is through messages on our bathroom mirror. His job has him up at 3:00 am to get ready for work. So before retiring for the night, I use dry erase markers to leave him encouraging messages of love, respect and appreciation. I know it means a lot to him to find those when he is diligently preparing for work at those wee hours.
Thank you for you for sharing on this important topic.
Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Smith,
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions! Having a household management binder would be a great aid to my homemaking efforts. I, too, do best with routines; that sounds like a wonderful way to make sure everyone’s priorities are covered to the fullest extent possible.
I love the idea of using dry erase markers on the mirror.
What a sweet way to show your husband that you cherish him and appreciate his efforts for your family!
Blessings,
Luci
So I’m a new visitor to the site, I had a few questions.
Say I’m a lady who wants to be a cardiovascular surgeon. Should I put my husbands’ goals above my own? Should I let my marriage stand in the way of my dream? Shouldn’t he ‘support my vision’? Does one spouse necessarily have to come before the other?
Hi jsachmo989! Thank you so much for your comment on my post. I’m truly honored that you chose to comment here during your first visit(s) to LAF.
As J. R. Miller notes, marriage entails the sacrifice of certain interests by both husband and wife. Each “sacrifices” personal interests and dreams for the sake of marital unity. He writes, “The aim of each must be – what always is true love’s aim – to serve the other, the deeper love to serve the more deeply. Only in perfect love which is utterly self-forgetful, can there be perfect blending of lives.”
What I love about this quotation is its demonstration of how important it is for each spouse to enter marriage with an idea of how becoming a husband or wife will affect his or her dreams. Of course, we can’t know exactly how these goals will play out until we’re married — but we can have a good idea through discussions with our future spouse, a pastor, our parents, and other Godly couples.
Part of the theology of Biblical womanhood is that it entails role differentiation within marriage. Ephesians 5:21-33 and Titus 2:1-10 are good expositions of how husbands and wives are to fulfill God’s design for marriage. With respect to wives, we are to submit to our husbands’ authority out of love for him and for God. Husbands are to lead their families and demonstrate Christ-like love to their wives. Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood contains several essays that elaborate on the theology of marriage better than I ever could.
I highly recommend John Piper’s essay “A Vision of Biblical Complementarity: Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible” and Raymond Ortlund’s “Male-Female Equality and Male Headship.” John Piper’s essay is available here, and Raymond Ortlund’s article is here.
In fact, as I recently discovered, the entire text of Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood is available on the CBMW website!
The link is:
http://www.cbmw.org/Recovering-Biblical-Manhood-and-Womanhood/
I would also recommend the booklet Fifty Crucial Questions, available here:
http://www.cbmw.org/Fifty-Crucial-Questions/
These texts are very well-written and the scholarship is excellent. I would highly recommend them as resources for exploring the subject of God’s design for marriage.
Does role differentiation mean that wives are inferior to husbands? Absolutely not! We are all created in the image of God.
Let’s consider, then, your example of the cardiovascular surgeon. For our discussion, I’ll set aside the issue of children and consider your example purely in the context of marriage. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. He should definitely support her interests in the medical field. But the wife is to submit herself to the leadership and authority of her husband. If the husband’s vision entails significant travel or other life experiences that would make it impossible for her to be a cardiovascular surgeon, she should submit to her husband – out of love for him and, more importantly, love for Christ. Not becoming a cardiovascular surgeon might mean that she channels her interests in medicine elsewhere. Many opportunities are available to women with interests in medicine that don’t entail the time and grueling education path necessary to become a surgeon.
Biblical womanhood doesn’t mean that one must give up one’s dreams, but we are called to modify our interests to uphold standards of what God wants. We are called to see how our interests benefit our marriages and families. For wives, this means that we are called to channel our interests into ways that support our husbands’ visions for our families. Husbands, too, must make sacrifices — it’s not a one-way street.
The issue, then, is not precisely one spouse coming before another, or one spouse’s vision taking precedence. It’s conforming to the roles and design that God has for husbands and wives in marriage.
I hope that this makes sense and answers your question. Thank you again for your comment! I would be delighted to clarify anything from the article or from this reply. Please don’t hesitate to comment again or to contact me (my contact information is available on my blog.) I hope you have a wonderful day!
Warmly,
Luci
Hi,
I know this is an older post, but I’d love to ask a question.
How do you submit or even support a husband who has very little vision, dreams, or aspirations?
I have tried wearing the pants in the relationship and know that is not my place and as a result of guilt have stepped down. Now that I am allowing my husband to be the leader, as he rightfully should, I feel depressed and purposeless. He has no vision, plan, or mission statement. I’ve asked and he sits thinking for awhile. His only concern is playing disc golf, a sport no one really knows and brings in no revenue, but I try to be supportive of this interest. I attend the tournaments and encourage him to compete although it costs us money we don’t have, but other than disc golf he doesn’t seem driven. Am I to find ways to better support him in his sports interest?
Where do go from having a husband who is amazing and loving but has no vision or determination?
Thanks
Thank you for this heartfelt note. There are a lot of excellent articles on this very topic. Let me recommend the following to start:
http://momsoffaith.com/blog/a-christian-wife-should-honor-and-revere-her-husband/
http://www.intentionalhomemaker.com/?p=824
http://www.intentionalhomemaker.com/?p=868 (Part II of article above)
http://proverbs14verse1.blogspot.com/2008/01/letting-your-husband-lead.html
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/ask-pastor-john/what-should-a-wife-do-when-her-husband-doesnt-lead-spiritually
http://riseofthehome.com/2008/09/16/let-him-lead/
Many years ago I heard a woman speak about this same issue. She said she had tried everything she could think of to get her husband to lead in the first five years of their marriage. She left inspirational books lying around where he would find them. She dropped hints. She asked outright. She compared his actions to the actions of other men in the church. Then, one day, an elderly lady in the church took her aside and said, “If you want your husband to lead, you need to stop trying to do his job for him.” The wife was shocked and slightly offended. But she went home and thought about what the lady had said and began to ask God to help her change and become a more supportive, encouraging wife. She quit leaving the books out or recommending them. She didn’t ask him to do certain things (like devotions with the children). Instead, she simply focused on being the best wife she could be, loving, honoring, and blessing her husband in every way she could think of. A couple of years later, she said her marriage had utterly transformed, and she and her husband were more united and in love than ever before. Someone in the audience asked how much her husband had changed. The speaker smiled and said, “I think God needed to change me more than He needed to change my husband. When I got my eyes off all the ways I thought my husband was failing and began to ask God to show me where I needed to succeed, I began to see wonderful qualities in my husband that I could praise. Everything grew from there.”
This is not to say that the ball is solely in your court and that you must shoulder the burden of changing your marriage. Quite the contrary! All you need to do is your job. Let God work in your husband, just as I Peter 3 says. Even an unsaved husband can be won through the behavior of his wife. Ask God to help you find something (anything!) every day that you can thank your husband for, praise him for, or encourage him about. Then run with it. And pray constantly for your husband–for God to give him a greater desire to follow Him and lead your marriage. I will be praying with you!