Courtship Letters

It may be necessary that once in a person's life a courtship letter will be written. It should neither be too sentimental nor too businesslike, but show the intent of the heart and reveal the character and sincerity of the writer. If a man wishes to inquire about the possibility of courtship with a young lady, the first letter should be written to the father. This shows his willingness to submit to any rules the father has concerning the treatment of his daughter. In doing this he opens the door to God's blessings on the relationship with the entire family. Where no father exists, the letter should go to the mother or guardian. If he likes, the suitor may address his message to both parents of the one whose attention he is seeking. Below is the courtship letter addressed to Mr. Smith by Mr. Mark Jones to inquire about his daughter, Miss Jane Smith. It is included here as a possible guideline for what to write should a young man ever desire to pursue courtship with a young lady. (The letters used here are real, but the names have been changed at the request of the writers. :-)

Dear Mr. Smith,

I have read the booklet, "Establishing Biblical Standards of Courtship." I am writing to you in hopes of getting answers to some questions which arose in my heart in response to this material.

In past times, when families worked side by side on each other's land, stood in the same church row, and watched over each other's children, the social bonds were healthy and strong. If you and I lived then, you would have watched me grow to be a man and know in your heart that our families belonged together. Courtship, which I recognize as the purest of all ways to approach marriage, would be the natural way for us to proceed. You would have known and approved of both my family and I, and we of you and yours.

Obviously today's world is sadly very different and strangely so. We are far flung and unwoven. The quick courtship, as described in "Establishing Biblical Standards of Courtship" is, in my mind, too quick to allow all parties to get to know each other these days. So, my question to you is, how do you recommend that I, as a suitor, proceed to learn about and know a family before considering in my heart the possibility of marriage?

Since courting begins with the suitor asking the father's permission to win his daughter's heart, that first step assumes that we already know each other, but I do not know your daughter, Jane. For all I know, Jane may be completely content as she is for years and years, without any interest in marriage. I would like to follow the courtship model, but how could my first step be to declare my intent to you to marry someone I do not even know? I could declare my intent to marry, as that is my aim, but not necessarily Jane. With regards to Jane, I can only say that I know of her, and that what I do know sounds impressive. I can declare to you that I would be privileged to know your daughter based on what I have heard, but to seek her hand is recklessly premature at this point.

I realize that you, as Jane's authority, have a responsibility to protect your daughter from the attentions of unqualified men, and so I humbly ask that you take every opportunity of examining my past and my current situation in life in order to determine whether or not I would be acceptable to your family as a proper suitor for Jane. I would gladly submit to any test you would put me to, and give you any information you desire about my life.

There it is then. If you care to respond, I am grateful. If not, I completely understand, but thank you for reading thus far. If this letter sounds overly businesslike, I apologize. I really have heard some very exciting things about your family, and about Jane. She shares many of my interests (I have heard a lot about her from my Aunt, who is more familiarly acquainted with your wife and daughter), and her newsletter, "The Pleasant Times" shows a keen mind and a bright spirit.

I have heard that your family is very close and supportive of each other, and loyal. I believe you are blessed by God, and would be happy beyond words to duplicate the things you have done which have brought these blessings upon your family.

Thank you. Sincerely,
Mr. Mark Jones

After the father has received this letter, he may respond the way Mr. Smith responded, adapting the letter to his own requirements, objections, approval, and so forth.

Dear Mark,

My wife and I received with joy your humble letter requesting to know our family better for the purpose of a possible courtship with Jane, and we appreciate your honesty and your courage. I know it isn't easy to make such a request.

As you have probably heard from your Aunt, we have protected our daughter a great deal and will only give permission to the man who meets her requirements regarding a suitable mate. For one thing, she is determined that he will share her faith. In order to find out more about whether or not you would be compatible religiously, I would be prepared to meet you and have a Bible study with you, whenever you are available.

Other than that, since we met you briefly at your Aunt's house a few weeks ago, we have prayed about you and hoped that we might become better acquainted, especially so that you could meet Jane. Please phone me at the number below and we can set up a time to get together. Sincerely,
Mr. John Smith

If the father gives his approval, the suitor should then address a letter to the intended young woman, stating his purpose and requesting her approval, changing it to apply to his personality and situation, as follows:

Dear Jane,

As you may have heard, I have met with your father, and he has kindly given me his blessings to attempt to win your heart, with the intention of entering into a courtship. I now hope that we might get to know each other better, for the purpose of one day entering a holy union, that of marriage. In doing so, I know that I will agree to abide by the rules and preferences of your parents and share the courtship with the family. I ask your approval now, and I come to you humbly, hoping that you will find it in your heart to accept my attentions. Please do not feel that you must reply soon, but take a little time to pray about this and think it over. I realize you have the right to refuse me, should you find me not pleasing, and if you do, I will accept that as the will of God and trouble you no further. However, since your father has given me his approval, I am hopeful that you will receive my attentions with kindness. In doing so, I wish to assure you that I am not here to take you away from your family, but to make them part of my own. I would be happy to receive your reply by letter, and am looking forward to learning about you and your interests, your thoughts and your plans for the future.

Sincerely,
Mr. Mark Jones

When the young woman receives the letter from the suitor, she may reply in a similar manner as demonstrated in the letter below.

Dear Mr. Jones, Thank you for your polite letter. My father and mother hold you in very high regard and I have heard much of you, all favorable, from your Aunt. I would be happy to get to know you better, under the guidance of my family, and to accept your kind offer to correspond with me. Writing letters is something I very much enjoy.

I would like you to get to know my family also. Please come to dinner tomorrow evening, if you are available. I hope to see you then.

Sincerely,
Jane Smith

Lady Reading a Love Letter.

After a substantial period of getting to know one another either through correspondence or fellowship (church activities and family get togethers are an excellent source of fellowship under the auspices of authorities), the couple may have exchanged many letters regarding how they feel about religion, child rearing, male and female roles, money management, likes and dislikes, favorite literature, music and many other things. The suitor should only consider "closing the deal" if he is certain that she likes him as much as he likes her, both by her attitude towards him and his consultations with her family, friends and church members. It will come time for the suitor to get serious about a proposal, so he may take a little time and write a letter similar to the following:

My dear lovely Jane,

I feel we have gotten to know one another a little better and come to a better understanding of our feelings. As for myself, I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are the one special one that God has planned for me as a lifetime partner. You are everything I have ever dreamed of in a mate. You are beautiful, you are serious about life, and you have stability which comes from your good family, and most of all, I have grown more and more in love with you each day of our courtship.

It has now come time for us to get serious about what I have come in to your life for in the first place: marriage. I have asked your father for his permission to meet with you in the gazebo tomorrow afternoon, (or, should the weather turn cold or wet, in his library), to tell you of something important that is in my heart. I have told this to no one else in my life and wish for you alone to hear it from me. In doing so I know that I risk a lot, but my prayers have gone up daily that this will meet with a favorable reply.

Until then,
Mark

In writing courtship letters, one must always keep in mind that these letters will be treasured not only by the receiving party, but by future generations. These letters may also be used as models for future courtships of your own children and grandchildren. They are part of the love story that you will pass on to your own children, and should be carefully and prayerfully composed, seeking the wisdom of a parent, or trusted counsellor, or using letters of the past as a guide.

In the book, The Essential Handbook of Victorian Etiquette, by Professor Thomas E. Hill, it is advised that the love letter should be the most carefully prepared letter of all the types of letters that are written, because they are the most frequently read and reread, and the longest kept of any other kind. In this book you will find a short lesson on how to begin a courtship correspondence, along with sample letters, including how to write a polite refusal. The suitor's letter to the father will be more likely to be taken seriously if he writes on plain white paper with black or blue ink, and should be copied again if necessary, until the grammar and punctuation are acceptable.

Throughout their married life, letters can continue to be a great source of encouragement, as they thank one another for kindness and favors, ask for forgiveness, or express appreciation for the the things that make them uniquely who they are.

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